My Mother, My Money Guru

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As a girl, I watched my mother, Anna, pay bills at our kitchen table. The vinyl tablecloth, a neat stack of bills with their envelopes and stamps nearby and a pile of money orders she’d sign in her neat, flowery penmanship.

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I learned about money from my mother—how to be afraid of not having enough and how to stretch a dollar. Once I heard a commercial jingle for HFC Finance, a well-known lending company at the time, on the radio, its song punctuating the company name with the strikes of a xylophone. I said to my mom, “Why don’t you call them, mom, they’re giving away money.” She laughed. “They don’t give you money for nothing,” she said.

When my parents bought our house in Brooklyn, a big deal for my Depression-era folks, she went to work nights at a candy factory to help pay the mortgage. “I told your father,” she said, “how else are we going to pay our bills if I don’t go to work?” And my father told me later when I was an adult, “If it wasn’t for your mother, we’d have nothing. I would’ve spent it all.” My mother had a clear-eyed focus on our family finances.

My mother was an exceptional role model when it came to money and so many other things. Whether I chose to absorb those lessons was another matter. In fact, I discarded her simple “don’t spend more than you have” approach in place of a freewheeling “ain’t no stopping me from having what I want” recklessness. But eventually, when the ice water was thrown in my intent-on-denial face, my mother’s common sense rallied to my side like a long-lost friend. The foundation my mom had laid was there under all the debris. All I had to do was sweep the junk aside and allow her guidance to take over. Just like in the photo of me at age 1, where she’s propping me up, hidden, behind the scenes.

Though my mom has been gone for almost 15 years now, she left a legacy of care. Her lessons of strength and common sense had been there for me all along. I just needed to listen to my still, small voice inside me right alongside hers.

Tell me what your mom taught you about money and life.

Are You Comfortable Talking About Money?

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Message StonesDiscussing finances came up as a topic on Linked In last week. I was astonished at the number, passion, and variety of responses.

Some people brought up never discussing salary with co-workers. Others wrote of being extremely comfortable within their families and with spouses as if to say, isn’t that what everyone does? And yet others admitted dread at the mention because no one ever talked about money in their families growing up.

I contend that money, sadly, is the last taboo. People will talk about sex, their affairs, their mothers, even death but will zip the lip when it comes to the almighty buck.

Like all things, a discussion of money needs to be appropriate, i.e., not bragging about your Mercedes purchase or the new wing you just added to your mini mansion. Not in today’s economy.

An aversion to any discussion of money can, perhaps, be the result of fear and shame (being judged), questioning self-worth (feeling like you don’t measure up), and lack of knowledge (feeling uneducated in these matters). But the truth is, we use money everyday and breaking the taboo can be freeing and expanding, if you are willing.

A healthy discussion of money is paramount because how else will you learn? We need money to live.

A few trusted friends or a group can help. I am a grateful member of a wonderful Debtor’s Anonymous (DA) group. I get to be part of an amazing circle that meets weekly to discuss the money relationship. It can be a touchy subject but we manage it in the confines of the 12 steps.

There’s a lot to say on this topic. Check out my colleague Barbara Stanny’s site and comment about the money taboo here.

What do you think?

Women and Money Series on NPR

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Women and Money” was a featured segment this week on National Public Radio’s Morning Edition.

One segment,”file471300323851Why Women Don’t Ask for More Money” lent crisp, fascinating insight into how women comport themselves when it comes to salary. “All the women she spoke to said they hated advocating for themselves at work. But they had no trouble speaking up for colleagues.”

Maggie Neale of Stanford Business School advised women to stop thinking about negotiation as “adversarial, putting on the armor, getting ready to do battle.” Instead, she says, think of it as solving a problem.

Check it out here.

Spring Cleaning Your Financial Papers

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How long do you hang onto receipts, tax returns, and other pain-in-the-neck financial papers?

Here’s some helpful, straight-forward advice to cataloging your finances in How to Organize Your Financial Documents: A 4-Step Plan on Women & Co.

The tips suggest going paperless, using credit cards, paying bills online, and tossing the sheets and receipts. While the author recommends credit cards to keep tabs on expenses, I use a debit card because I don’t want to incur debt. But you can choose your plastic depending on whether or not you want to take advantage of card rewards or wish to refrain from overspending. If you faithfully pay off your balance at the end of the month you probably don’t have a problem with debt.

This site is maintained by Citicorp—and you’ll see plugs for their services. Nevertheless, it’s a worthwhile place to frequent.

Four Hardest Money Words To Say

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Money crying

When I got to work the other morning, my co-worker told me how she stopped at Dunkin’ Donuts to get coffee.

“I had a coupon,” she said. “But I couldn’t just get the free coffee. I felt like I had to buy something else.”

I wondered…why do we buy things that we really don’t need? I believe it has something to do with facing and saying the four hardest money words in the English language: “I Can’t Afford It!”

Why are these simple words so difficult to accept and say aloud?

It’s not like I haven’t found myself going along for the ride when I should’ve mantra’ed I Can’t Afford It! Yet the reluctance is partly wanting to indulge the wish that I can afford it—denial of sorts—and embarrassment and shame at feeling like I don’t measure up if you say no.

I’ve noticed, however, no one will challenge you when you say the four hardest, and bravest, money words.

“Wanna get tickets for Bruno Mars at the Barclay Center? Two hundred bucks?” “Damn, can’t afford it!”
“Oh, too bad. I understand” was the response.

“Wanna catch dinner at that brand new Italian restaurant?”
“You mean the one with the expensive wines?”
“Yup.”
“Wish I could but I can’t afford it.”
“Okay. No problem. Let’s find some place cheaper.”

“Wanna shuffle over to Saks Fifth Avenue to buy a few baubles?”
“Gosh. Wouldn’t I love to? But can’t afford it! Why don’t we stroll over to TJ Maxx?”

I have never encountered anyone saying any response that wasn’t supportive. When those words come out, it’s like hitting a brick wall. No one can argue with it.

Saying I can’t afford it is honest, prudent, respectful of self, and a stress-buster so you don’t get swept away into a “what the hell” approach that could blow your weekly budget.

There is no shame in saying I Can’t Afford It! None. Now practice.

“We Like to Pay it Forward in Our Family”

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If you haven’t seen this video, originally aired on CBS Evening News and making its way through social media, take a look. I defy you not to have a lump in your throat. It’s about how an eight-year-old boy paid it forward.

I can only guess Mile’s motivation—to acknowledge his dad, honor the soldier, act on what his mother taught him. Who knows? But it shows me that money, besides buying us stuff, offers an intangible exchange of energy—emotional and long-lasting.

How Aligned Are Mars and Venus in Your Money Orbit?

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Planet 2The article Mars, Venus and the Handling of Money, in The New York Times on Sunday, February 22, represented, for me, a Finally! Finally, someone is talking about the financial elephant in the living room—that women and men approach money differently and that it’s not because women are “bad at math,” that ridiculous dismissive catch-all.

The essay, by M.P. Dunleavey, asserts that even though women have moved into arenas of earning, owning, and inheriting “real money” and control most of the buying decisions, they are still not taken with the data-driven, “performance-only please” approach to financial management.  In other words, the way many men make decisions about money doesn’t work for women.

I am not invalidating the data-driven view (how could I since numbers don’t lie!), but I am championing la difference—women want a more holistic, simpler, how does this investment approach fit in with my life, goals, and intuitive sense?  Yet the article asserts a harsh reality: studies show that the average retirement account balance for women is only $58,000 compared to men’s average of $95,000.

Now, how do we marry the two money decision styles:  men’s data-driven and women’s need-to-ask-lots-of-questions-before-I-bite styles?

My answer? More blogs like this so we can pry open the conversation, aka real talk, about money: what it’s for, what it means to me, what scares me about it, what joy it brings, instead of pretending we’re supposed to know this stuff. If we could educate each other openly, without the shroud of shame, secret, or competition, we’d be on the road to financial health and heftier returns.

I often think how the fall of the American economy in 2008 could’ve been averted if more women had been in the crow’s nest of the wayward vessel, saying “hey, fellas, wait a minute. Something just doesn’t feel right.”

 

The Money Touch

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OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAEver notice how people hand each other cash? I do.

Yes, money is the coins and bills that buy us stuff and boomerang back—hopefully—when we get paid. But money also floats on the wings of personal interaction, the one-on-one exchange that happens when we hand someone cash.

Sometimes if I’m in a rush I’m tempted to put the money on the counter instead of placing it directly into the hands of the cashier. But since I’ve been paying attention I remember to give it directly into the hand. Placing money in someone’s hand just feels right, complete.  And it says something about my relationship with that person and how much I respect money.

I also notice how a cashier hands me change.  Yesterday I was in CVS buying body lotion and the lone cashier (all the other check-outs were self-serve where no money changes hands) grabbed my bills and threw them on top of his open register drawer.  He treated the cash like trash to be gotten rid of.  He was otherwise courteous but I couldn’t help but wonder how he felt about his job, the people he meets, and almighty buck.

There’s a pizzeria near my house I’ve stopped going to because the guys behind the counter manhandle the cash, practically shoving change at customers, dismissing them out of the store.

How we handle money also extends to placing cash in a wallet—neatly, with all bills facing one way, cavalierly, or crumbled, never making it into the wallet.  And many Millennials, Gen-Xers, and lots of others eschew cash, using debit cards instead.

So what’s your style?  Are you a smoother-outer of bills or crumpler? Do you place money on the counter or into the palm? Share you money touch.

 

 

Ever Find Money on the Street?

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This morning, walking on West 35th Street in NYC in the 17˚ air, I spotted a crisp $20 bill on the sidewalk about to make a getaway in the wind. I stopped its progress with my clunky snow boot, picked up the bill, looked around to see if anyone was chasing it, and then pocketed it.

Wow! Lucky me. Then pow! I saw another 20 and grabbed it. Looked around. No one in pursuit and stashed that one in my pocket. Zipped my pocket.

There are few things more exalting than finding renegade cash. A surprise! A delight! Makes you want to tell someone immediately. Hey! Guess what?

I wonder why finding money is so thrilling. Not like the 40 bucks is going to change my life. But it reminds me of the whimsy of life, the spontaneity of things—anything can happen at any time—and how the universe provides.

For me, finding money signifies abundance and reminds me of my great fortune to live where money sometimes floats in the street.

It’s not the first time I’ve found money, though it’s a lot more than I’m used to spying. I’ve kept my eye out for currency ever since a friend told me he’d been keeping a jar of found money for years and had almost $200. He called his stash God’s money. He believed it was a gift from some greater power.

So I started collecting found money. Mostly bruised pennies, some silver, and today two unsuspecting Andrew Jacksons.

I’ve decided to donate the money I found today not because I’m altruistic but because I believe my friend is right. Found money is circulated goodwill and a reminder to express gratitude for all my riches—beautiful sons, good health, ability to express myself creativity, comfortable home.

Lucky me.